Let Go and let GOD

the secretary of my fate
i take messages and bring tea
type my destiny in short hand
resigned to taking the stick's short end
at the end of the day i go home
 All i got is my struggle

my word is collateral for some debt to lesser known gods
even the time i have is borrowed
and look i've lost my childhood too
the power was cut all thats left is the light of hope
All i got is my struggle

i met someone looking for love
well, love don't live here no more
claims she can't live in the same house with bitterness, neglect and lies
even when i made a room for her special with a bed and everything
All i got is my struggle

my thoughts will forever be secrets
my moments personal
the crowds i get lost in painful reminders
the night my comfort
ALl i got is my struggle

... so help me God.

The Changeling's Lament

by Shira Lipkin 

I have studied so hard
to pass as one of you.
I've spent a lifetime on it.

I have tells.
Blisters, tremors, bruises,
all the signs that I was not meant for your world,
was not meant to be contained
in your clothes,
your shoes.
I have this terribly inconvenient allergy
to cold iron.
Hives, really.
Welts.
I stand out.

When I was little,
I asked my alleged mother,
what's a girl?

She said
you,
you're a girl,
and she laced me into dresses
(that I tore off in the school parking lot,
in line for the bus).
Laced me into ballet shoes
that left blisters
and bloodied my feet
until I had calluses.
Which she had filed off,
beauticians pinning me down,
because it's not beauty
if you don't bleed.

My dancing was different.
My dancing was swaying treelike,
or launching myself across the room,
spinning madly,
but that is not what girls do,
not human girls,
not ladylike,
not contained.

And everything
is about containment
is about being delicate
and pretty
laced into corsets
whalebone stays digging into your ribs
because it's not beauty
if it doesn't hurt.

But I studied.
I pretended.
I hid the bruises
and the tics.
I hid the big dark parts of me.
I tamed my hair.
I watched my mouth.
I hid my magic.
I did not speak of such things
because we do not speak of such things –
not anger,
not homesickness,
not longing.
Not this sense
that I don't know what the hell
a human girl is
and I can tell, I can,
that everyone knows I don't belong here.
I laugh too loud;
I am too fast or slow to laugh.
I am an anthropologist in the field of girl.
I study
but none of it
ever comes
naturally.

Steel strong

In your dream with its 3 dripping moons
   one for us one for them and one for all the things you miss
     even though the sun don't rise here your smile does
      because when you are awake every sight is one of four walls
        and every breath you take is another thought you must keep to your self
          because out there noone is listening.


        In your dream with its 3 dripping moons
      and ticking clock time stands still
   and we are caught between being afraid that things will never change
  and wanting this moment..
Wanting this moment to last forever..


      In your dream with its 3 dripping moons
   one for day one for night and one for stolen time.
Count from one to three
   try your thoughts flee
       find your self free


In your dream with its 3 dripping moons
    the air is filled with distance.
      Distance from anything familiar
        and perhaps your color..
          A deep red to remind you of who you are and promise you who you can be


             I am there in your dream with its three dripping moons
           caught in four walls
          born in five days made in six
         and exhausted in seven.
      Count to three.
     One moon for the Father
   one for the Spirit one for the Son. They can keep you company when you open your eyes

Rejection

I am the stone that the builders must reject
yet I house not anger nor regret
toward anyone lacking imagination,
I was born to move mountains,
to command the breath of worldwinds and hurricanes
to never look back nor down, except in introspection,
to make certain that only splendor surrounds me
and yet when I see pebbles floating on the scum of time,
I am forced to reflect, how can it be
that I am the stone that the builders must reject,
yet I stand tall without such defects,
for perhaps one day, the builders will need just such a structure
to measure up to...

A letter to her

Dear her

First of all let's address the elephant in the room. And before the gears in that mind of yours start grinding.. yes, i am talking about you. You are beginning to feel like a guest who visits too often and stays too long. That's why i felt it perfectly acceptable to dispense with the pleasantries.After all i know you so well. Even if i was to say i hope this letter finds you well, i know you are lurking somewhere nearby just raring to tell me the level of unwell you are today.

 The thing about you and me is we just as well could be one person but only one of us is wanted. And i guess im writing this letter to tell you that you are the one who's gonna have to go. No one likes you around here. Now don't take offense you probably think you are doing just fine. That's why you have to hear me out. 

There is so much good in you. I wish you had seen it before it came to this. You shouldn't have listened when they told you you were no good. You shouldn't have let what they thought of you be what you became.  But wow you are so beautiful, so strong, so capable... Has anyone told you lately? Just because you are the only one who seems to know doesn't make it any less true. So im telling you that you are amazing. Never forget that.




And now i will tell you about a little thing called hope. In fact let me start with grace. Stop trying to get what you deserve. Life is never fair. I know right now you are debating whether this is one those defeatist, negative things you say and have been trying to get rid of. And i commend you for that, keep at it. But right now i don't really don't know. But i know of the grace given to you. Love, you dont have to.. Good things will come for you, whether or not you think you deserve them. So stop trying so hard. And then hey, start trying where you had given up. They say you only receive the love you think you deserve but you've been promised more than you deserve. That's grace. So you need get past the past and this is where hope comes in. Things will change. You will change. For the better. Hope is that little thing with feathers, let your dreams take flight. If you are going to lose everything else, keep hope.

Fight. When you get tired, when you can't see any change, when you are told you can't, when its just so hard, when... When you've run out of excuses and all you want to do is lie down and take it easy. Get up and fight. If you get knocked down, get up again and fight. When you start thinking maybe its you who's not good enough, fight. Always, always fight. Fight until you get to the finish line.

Open your eyes dammit! Do not discount people because of one bad or elevate people because of one good. Things are not always how they seem.
So stop looking only at what is offered.           No matter how careful you are the people you love might still not love you back, the people you are there for might never be there for you, the people you are loyal to might stab you in the back. But if you see enough you
will know how to choose your battles so that even when you lose, you won't lose yourself too.




Love. Be patient. Be kind. Don't get jealous, or conceited or proud. Do not be ill mannered or selfish or irritable. Never keep a record of wrongs. Do not be happy with evil but be happy with the truth. Never give up. Love selflessly, tirelessly and stupidly. Love quietly in secret and love big. Love effortlessly and love hard. Love your God, your family, your friends and strangers. Love a love that moves and strengthens and comforts and protects. Love perfect!

And finally me.. I hope that every time you read this letter you will smile because you are further away from her and that much closer to i. Because i will be understood, respected, valued and loved. She will love herself warts and all. And she will be whole.

love always
____?

Abortion

I missed my period
Can't believe I waited so long
Guess I thought...
Wait. Forget what I thought..
I wasn't there when my name was called
I killed time no room for remorse
And I tell myself how could I have known
Do I want this? A resounding no!
In despair I wait until fruit is grown
This fruit from snooze the alarm for just ten minutes more
No class today coz when its hot its too long
I will do that when I get right my mojo
But when I do do it I do it so so
When apathy overwhelms me I remind myself what I'm most afraid of
That she may have been right after all
But I worry that its too late
For all the days I waited believing her
Waiting for her mind to change
Waiting for her approval to motivate
Coz honestly I was getting tired of my defiance
But when time is running out I fear
That I'll wait forever so I try to remember her different
But she is so a part of me and this fruit I've already begun to bear
Man this calls for one more beer
This calls for massive distraction
So noone will notice while I'm getting an abortion
And I imagine one day
Sitting my kids down and telling them about the good old days
The days I was ripe with dreams green with ambition
Until her words cut me up and skewered my vision
And I would walk on defiantly as my dreams bled out
Trying hard to leave that hurt little girl behind and grow up
Big problems scaring my small naïve mind as my heart tore up
This is no blame game I lose anyway so I'll just own up

I'm getting an abortion
Of All silly thought and manufactured emotion
Aborting all self actualization missions
Lowering my standards, my ideals killing my vision
Redefining perfection
I'm taking a knife to saving the world

But wait if I raise my voice I'm pro choice or is that just noise
so if I chose to choose would I be a pro at choice

I choose
I choose to be pregnant
I choose to be my swollen belly
Choose to walk around with feet slowly swelling up for carrying around this growing seed inside
Choose to throw up when the morning comes to make way for new nutrition, new thinking

I choose my choices
Choose to be pregnant with purpose
Bloated with ambition
Glowing with resilience

I choose my choices
Choose to incubate change
Change mentalitys
Birth revolution

Abortion?
I choose life!!

...so help me God...

Control Issues

I thrive on chaos
on different hues of black
On rage On mind numbing monotony, on silence, loud and important, lonely and consuming On deep, quiet peace
on certainty, free uncluttered and chosen On unquestioning, unwavering surety, on laughter On music soul pumping and meaningful. On understanding. On seeing. On awareness.

I thrive on chaos
I thrive